My cat gives me a boner
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
