I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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