My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
