Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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