My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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