I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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