my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
