I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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