when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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