If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
