i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
