My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
