Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
