Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
