Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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