We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Randomize
