I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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