Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
