he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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