i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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