New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
