so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
