pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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