Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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