Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
