I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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