our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Boobs speak an international language.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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