Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
