I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
