Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
