I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Semen is not good for contacts.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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