Cold hands, warm shart.
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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