Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
