Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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