That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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