He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
