The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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