I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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