my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
