He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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