So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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