But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
