When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
