The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
