This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
