my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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