Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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