i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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