I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
