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Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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