God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
At least make sure they are 18
Why
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
